Here at VOOT we are always up for a bit of a chuckle... and recently wrote a letter of complaint to a national biscuit supplier complaining that not enough of their 'Broken Biscuits' were actually broken... Here is our letter - and their rather brilliant (and hilarious) reply......
To: Michael Riley - Freemans Confectionery Supplies
Subject: Broken Biscuits
I today purchased a box of your ‘broken biscuits’ for a meeting at work.
The meeting was with our Bank Manager and we were hoping to negotiate some favourable terms for an overdraft facility to help us through the ‘credit crunch’.
On opening your biscuits I was horrified to discover that not all of the biscuits were in fact broken, and despite me hastily snapping as many biscuits as I could the damage had already been done. Our Bank Manager has refused our overdraft and cited our ‘biscuit extravagances’ as evidence of our poor business management, claiming that in difficult times there is no shame in serving up broken biscuits or even Wagon Wheels to our visitors.
This is clearly going to impact on our business heavily and I wanted to ask you to please make it more clear on your packaging of the ‘Dunkables’ range that some of the biscuits may indeed not be broken to avoid further potential embarrassment to businesses like us, or even old ladies who may serve them up to family and friends while pleading that the old age pension is still insufficient to cover living costs.
THE FANTASTIC REPLY FROM FREEMANS CONFECTIONERY...
To: Nigel VOOT
Subject: RE: Broken Biscuits
Dear Mr Short,
Thank you for your electronic mail. Prima facie you seem to be making a serious allegation of misrepresentation. On behalf of Freemans Confectionery Supplies I would like to submit my humblest apologies for any discomfort you may have experienced from the circumstances of "the bank manager incident". Whilst you have my sympathy no liability is admitted, no refunds will be entertained and no compensatory damages will flow.
I agree that there are few things less pleasant than having painstakingly engineered low expectations into a third party - circumstances conspire to render them pleasantly surprised by the quality (or quantity) of your offering. I am minded of similar circumstances arising out of my wedding night. I was, of course, a much younger man then, but I digress.
Short, you sound like a man of the world. Hard headed and to the point so I'll make no bones about it. We pride ourselves here on our low standards of customer service and anyone who imperils that hard won reputation is a danger to the organisation. Accordingly, following an appropriately Stalinesque inquisition we have summarily dismissed the biscuit breaking operative responsible for this outrageous negligence and had them blackballed from any equivalent employment for life. I know one shoudn't be hard on single mothers, especially in the current economic climate (to which you have alluded) but we take strong exception to any breach in our quality standards.
I hope this 'no nonsense' approach is to your liking. I know it won't soften the bank manager's heart but lets face it that was never going to happen. A propos the old folks - what with index linked pensions and cold weather heating allowances we are mollycoddling the old malingerers already. They would be better served by prudently lining their shoes with newspaper rather than spending their leisure hours frittering away their lavish state pensions on bingo and broken biscuits.
p.s. The giving of Wagon Wheels is now strictly proscribed under Article 12 of the Human Rights Act.